Rev. Donna Vande Kieft
January, 2025, another new year! Let’s make it a good one! I write “YBH?” in the margins of articles like this (YBH? = Yeah, But How?).
We often craft resolutions or intentions for making changes. After the first few obstacles to new improved behavior occur, we just feel bad and let go of the enthusiasm for our intended outcome. Basically, we just want to feel better about ourselves. Good old guilt, the gift that keeps on giving!
I invite us all to consider tending to our feelings, our inner spirit, as we embark on a new year. In my chaplaincy training, my supervisor, a tough, crusty Lutheran minister, Clarence, instructed in his deep, gravelly voice, “You gotta bless their anger!” For this more modestly conservative woman, taught that anger is sinful, it took me a while to understand what he was trying to teach us. Old messages like, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all,” are hard to overcome. My sisters and I were not allowed to show or share our anger.
Anger seems prevalent nowadays and often expressed in vulgar and inappropriate ways. Anger is a real feeling and needs to be expressed somehow outside our bodies. Many people deny feeling anger, because like me, they believe it’s not acceptable. But it’s real and it will come out somewhere, likely in a manner that leaves you feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and out of control. Then you’re mad at yourself.
Acceptance of our anger and all the feelings that come with grief is what’s needed. Thus, Clarence’s words of wisdom, “Bless their anger.” Another piece of sage advice was, “You gotta trust the process!” Anger is a part of the grief process and can lead to healthy actions or changes. Look at what Mothers Against Drunk Driving have been able to do with their rage over time.
Anger is real. Next time you feel that hint of frustration, confusion, or fear coming on and suddenly you are fuming at the day or the world, pause and reflect on what was triggered. Acknowledge it, bless it, and think about your best response. Maybe your anger is righteous and just. Maybe it feels like the worst Groundhog Day ever and it will be here again tomorrow. Sometimes it takes a lot of time, energy, and outside professional help to get past our anger and do something productive with it.
Movement is a good thing when we feel stuck in anger, grief, or despair. A good brisk walk, swimming, water aerobics, pickleball, golf, Zumba, yoga, dance—just move your body! Sometimes the grief and anger will move through your psyche as you embody it. I throw my old sofa pillows as hard as I can onto my tile floor. Seriously, try it! It releases my rage, maybe enhancing it for a few minutes, but it subsides when I get worn out and have to sit down, rest, smile about the absurdity of life, and remember Clarence.
Rev. Donna Vande Kieft is an ordained pastor, retired hospice chaplain, volunteer reading tutor, and peacemaker.