Rev. Donna Vande Kieft
Our culture doesn’t allow a lot of time or space for grieving our losses. Labels are not always helpful, but knowledge can be empowering. Grief wants to come out of the closet and be acknowledged. Grief visits everyone and demands response.
Acute grief is intense when a death or loss has just occurred. That’s when we allow the most leeway for the bereft because the initial shock affects us all.
Complicated grief occurs when the death itself has some tragic details, or it’s a child or young person suddenly gone. Depression or bitterness takes hold longer than what might be “normal” or “acceptable.” Complicated grief can lead to physical/mental illness if unattended.
Accumulated grief is when you have had a number of losses over a short period of time. They say losses often happen three-fold. Losing more than one close person in one year can be devastating and confusing since you have to grieve each one individually. Multiply that with additional losses and it can easily get complicated.
Anticipatory grief is when one is chronically or terminally ill over a long period of time and sees little or no improvement, knowing that the outcome will eventually be death. You just don’t know when, and it’s really hard to live your life in limbo. Anticipatory grief happens for both the one who is sick and those who love and care for them. You witness one small loss or change after another.
Disenfranchised grief is when the loss is one that society doesn’t recognize or validate such as divorce, or death of an ex-spouse or partner. It’s not knowing what happened such as in wartime (POW or MIA). Some of us outlive our bodies and are compromised to the point of needing endless care. That can be exhausting and draining of energy and resources. There can be a longing for death because quality of life is gone. It’s never-ending.
Holiday grief is hard because you either want to isolate or be so busy that there’s no time to feel. It’s a great excuse for a pity party and indulging in too much of whatever your vices might be. Well-meaning friends and family just want you to get back to normal. And you can’t. Everything has changed.
Integrated grief is living enlightened with the loss that has occurred and making it now part of your life. There continues to be a relationship with the one who is gone or, and you allow for the feelings you continue to experience. You remember them and talk about them and even talk to them as you continue to find your best way forward, living fully and completely with your “new normal.”
Grief can be a vicious cycle. We know about the stages of grief—shock, denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance—and wish it were that easy to go 1,2,3,4,5, finished! Ta DA! Facing grief is empowering, and having a safe place with a listening friend or counselor is helpful. Healing grief takes time and attention.