Gary Chalk
I like to think I am a reasonably intelligent person. I figure I know a thing or two about the value of friendships, keeping my mind active, and looking after my health. But there is always a ‘BUT’…
The one thing I haven’t got a friggin’ clue about is which way my ball cap should point!
I grew up in the ‘BC Era’—‘Beaver Cleaver Era’—when kids wore their ball cap pointing forward. Now Living Retired it is the ‘HCHBP Era’—‘High Cholesterol, High Blood Pressure Era’—and guys are wearing their ball caps pointing backwards like they are Johnny Bench. I wore my ball cap pointing backwards, once. My wife Jan said, “Gary, you look foolish. If our granddaughters see you, they will run away!”
Baseball caps pointing backwards is really just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to baby boomers trying to dress to be cool. This is what I mean…
Blue jeans. I remember bell bottoms. Regular fit blue jeans. Then stretch denims. Relax-fit blue jeans. Then it was faded blue jeans. Then blue jeans designed so the fit doesn’t fit your waist, instead hang down low enough to barely cover your plumber’s crack! Today, there are ‘pre-ripped’ jeans, which baffles me. When I was a kid and I ripped my pants Mom would iron a patch on top. These days I am so fashion backwards that I am still trying to figure out whether I should iron a crease in my blue jeans?
Socks. It used to be standard attire to wear comfortable socks. These days lots of guys are going sockless. So, I tried it, once. Jan and I were going to our friend’s Christmas open house so I didn’t wear my socks. Stupid me. I had to fall down to the floor in their front foyer to pry my shoes off because my feet were sweating so much. Jan said, “Gary, something smells like a hockey equipment bag!”
Underwear. This one really gets my knickers in a knot! In my day, the popular men’s underwear was a brand name every teenage guy never wanted to be seen wearing when changing for gym class: ‘Fruit of the Loom.’ How times have changed. These days men are protecting their privates in underwear called ‘Under Armour.’ Just saying.
Hoodies. The fashionistas who came up with hoodies totally neglected the Living Retired set who dangle our reading glasses on a cord around our neck. I dang near hung myself in a men’s changing room trying to yank the hoodie back over my head!
Fitted shirts. Today’s shirts are fitted—which means they cling so tight to my stomach that Jan laughs, “Gary, that shirt is tighter on you than a bowl of leftovers wrapped in Saran Wrap!”
Shoes. At one time it was a pair of loafers, then loafers with tassels. Then oxfords came along followed by brogues, Doc Martens, and on and on. Today, men top off their sharp-looking expensive Hugo Boss suit with—get this!—RUNNING SHOES! The time I tried this, Jan said, “Please go back in the house and change your shoes … or you’re going by yourself.”
Back to ball caps. It’s trendy to turn the cap pointing backwards, so watch for me to begin a new fashion statement. Look for me to wear my tie backwards, hanging down towards my bum.