Rev. Donna Vande Kieft
Rev. Donna Vande Kieft
Do you ever have to stop and think while filling out demographic information when it comes to Single, Married, Divorced, Widowed? I have checked each one at one time or another in my life. And, it still feels like I could check all four because I am all four to some extent. I was single until the ripe age of 18, almost widowed at 20, but married to a broken man who I cared for and stayed married to until I was 36. We divorced and became more married in the good sense of a companionable relationship that lasted until his death several years later. His death did not qualify me to be a widow, but I grieved all that we had lost after his death. As Maria Shriver says in her poem “Check the Box” from her book I Am Maria, “You are single but still feel married. You wore the D like a scarlet letter but feel more like a widow.”
After divorce, I was single for 19 years before marrying again in 2011,checking the Married box again, until his death in 2022. Now, I can check the Widow box. The IRS let me file Married for the first year after Bill’s death, but then I had to file Single, which was not to my advantage. Widows don’t get good tax benefits and only qualify for one tax credit. For the record, widows are single again after a spouse/partner dies. Most of us don’t like the word “Widow.” We still feel married after both divorce and death, but we’re Single. It’s confusing. We are many more things than our marital status or gender. I wish there was a box for Human instead of ethnicity or gender.
Another box we could add is Survivor. If we live long enough, we will have survived a lot: death of loved ones, death of relationships, death of marriage, death of status—many losses. A better term for being Single again after death or divorce is “Solo.” On a recent cruise there were many of us traveling Solo. We were Single, Divorced, Widowed, and Married traveling sans spouse/partner. It didn’t matter. We were traveling solo within a group of fellow travelers.
In addition to the boxes Single, Married, Divorced, Widow, I would like to have optional boxes: Parent, Orphan, Caregiver, Survivor, Human, Solo.
The Grief Group at Robson Ranch has largely morphed into a Widow group. They have identified their need for new ways to socialize. So, they are offering another vein for socialization to include all solo people. It doesn’t matter if you’re Single, Divorced, Widowed, Married/coupled with a preference or need to do things by yourself within a group of other solo people.
Solo is a great segue from Married, Widowed, Single again. “Solo together” is actually a very good way to travel or enjoy movies, dining, or other social activities. If you would like to be on the Robson Ranch Social Activities for Solos email list for upcoming activities, you can contact June A. at 307-254-1295.
Rev. Donna Vande Kieft is an ordained pastor, retired hospice chaplain, volunteer reading tutor, and peacemaker.