Gary Chalk
My wife Jan and I, along with our son, daughter-in-law, and two granddaughters went on an ocean cruise. We figured spending money like drunken sailors would give us a trip of a lifetime.
The ship had numerous “family-friendly features” including thrilling water slides, dance parties where you cannot hear the music unless you wear headphones, and a headache-inducing kids’ arcade!
Before leaving I commented, “Jan, I sure hope we are doing the right thing.”
“Gary, this will be a vacation of a lifetime. The kids will remember it forever.”
“Jan, I’m talking about all this luggage! We’re going to Bermuda, not a trans-Atlantic voyage.”
If you have cruised you know when you board the ship you need to quickly do three things: 1. Check that all your luggage has been delivered to your stateroom, 2. Attend the mandatory safety drill, and 3. Purchase the ‘All-You-Can-Drink Beverage Package’—just not in that order.
Previous cruises Jan and I have been on, the Drink Package provided 15 alcoholic drinks a day! Do the math: that is 105 alcoholic beverages for one person to consume in one week. Who is kidding who? Do they really expect us to survive on that little booze? Okay I am kidding.
Some of our cruise highlights, okay, mine:
1. One afternoon at the pool, I could not dislodge myself from the ridiculous 160-degree angle of my deck chair. I looked like an amoeba blob wearing my Ft. Lauderdale 1972 spring break T-shirt. Waiting for help to arrive I watched a teenage girl towel herself dry and then slip into her designer pre-torn blue jeans. As she put her left foot in, it got caught in one of the many manufactured pre-torn rips and she had a wardrobe malfunction—THEY RIPPED! I am not making this up—she was so upset she cried out, “I ripped my jeans!” DUH!
2. The fashion among some Living Retired cruising couples is wearing matching T-shirts. One couple’s T-shirt read, ‘My wife told me this is our 50th wedding anniversary. I said so?’ Another couple wore his-and-her T-shirts: ‘Arguing since 1968.’
3. Adult women slip into their bathing suit and—because they can—wrap themselves in 17 bolts of fabric and call it a cover-up. Guys if you were paying attention you agreed to this in your wedding vows.
4. Young people have tattoos on their body—some have tattoos on multiple areas, while some have tattoos on body parts I didn’t know even existed! In place of tattoos, Living Retired Baby Boomers have age spots.
And now a Living Retired tip for cruising: how to shower if your cabin has something the size of Twiggy, but skinnier, they mistakenly say is a ‘standup shower.’ First, squirt liquid body wash all over the stall, then squeeze inside and twist twice clockwise. All clean.
Living Retired is written by humor columnist Gary Chalk.