Forget Paris. Forget Los Angeles. On Wednesday, Sept. 30, the world’s most questionably conditioned athletes will gather for the Robson Ranch Cigar Meetup’s first-ever September Senior Olympics.
Opening ceremonies begin promptly at 6:30 p.m.—or whenever everyone finds their glasses, remembers why they left the house, and figures out where the meetup is being held. The secret location will be announced the week before, giving AJ almost seven full days to get lost on the way there.
This year’s elite competitions will include:
The Patio Chair Stand-Up—competitors attempt to rise from a patio chair without using their hands, losing their balance, or pretending they dropped something.
The 10-Yard Dash to the Restroom—the only race where everyone starts before the official fires the starting pistol.
Synchronized Cigar Lighting—points are awarded for timing, flame control, and remembering which end of the cigar to light.
Competitive Story Repetition—athletes tell the same story repeatedly while insisting, “I don’t think I ever told you this.”
The “Where the Hell Did I Put My Drink?” Relay—contestants search every table before discovering they have been holding it the entire time.
The Changing Depends Relay—contestants race against the clock, their dignity, and a waistband nobody can figure out.
The Recliner Escape—competitors must get out of a fully reclined chair without assistance, profanity, or calling the fire department.
The Compression-Sock Wrestling Championship—the only Olympic event where contestants can pull a hamstring before reaching their ankles.
The Hearing-Aid Whisper Challenge—judges quietly announce the rules while every contestant smiles, nods, and does something completely different.
The Prescription-Bottle Shake and Guess—extra points for identifying the medication and remembering whether you already took it.
The Denture Discus Throw—distance counts but retrieving your own equipment is mandatory.
The Early-Bird Dinner Sprint—athletes race to the buffet before the good rolls are gone and the dinner price increases by three dollars.
The Thermostat Tug-of-War—husbands want it colder, wives want it warmer, and nobody has touched the thermostat since 2009.
The Walker Drag Race—racing stripes are permitted, but all tennis balls must pass inspection.
The final event will be The AJ Patience Pentathlon—five grueling minutes of listening to AJ without interrupting, leaving, drinking heavily, or asking security to remove him. No contestant has ever completed the event sober, and several volunteers are still receiving counseling after last year’s practice round.
There will also be a special drawing during the evening, so bring a few bucks if you want a chance to win. We cannot promise fabulous prizes, but we can promise that Mike and David will act as though the future of Western civilization depends on pulling the correct ticket.
No athletic ability is required. In fact, visible athletic ability may result in immediate expulsion from the C-List, Robson Ranch’s least exclusive exclusive club. You don’t even have to smoke a cigar. Many of our finest athletes attend for the drinks, laughter, friendship, and opportunity to tell the same stories to people who have also forgotten hearing them.
The September Senior Olympics will be held Wednesday, Sept. 30, at 6:30 p.m. The location will be announced one week before the meetup.
All competitors, spectators, drinkers, smokers, and people looking for an excuse to escape the house must register in advance at cigarmeetup.us.
Cigar Kings Mike and David will oversee the games with their usual dignity, authority, and complete lack of qualifications. Medals may be awarded, although contestants should not expect to remember what they won—or why they are wearing a ribbon from the liquor store.
Stretch carefully, bring some bucks, hydrate irresponsibly, and let the games begin!