Gary Chalk
Monday night, as part of my dental treatment for a recent ladder fall, was my first night going to bed with a temporary retainer in my mouth. Tuesday night was my first night going to bed in our new fancy-schmancy adjustable bed. All this happened so quickly I did not even have enough time to sleep on it.
First, a bit about our new adjustable bed. The brochure promises we will ‘Elevate our sleep sanctuary,’ ‘Immerse ourselves in support and comfort,’ ‘Experience luxury and rejuvenation,’ and ‘Add a touch of elegance.’ Of course, this comes at a price—a price that guarantees to ‘Keep you up all night!’
The features of our new bed allow my wife Jan and I to raise or lower the side of the bed that each of us sleep on. If I want to make my blood suddenly rush to the top of my head, I can press a button and VOILA! my feet will slowly rise up until my toes almost touch the ceiling fan! If Jan, on the other hand—err the other foot—wants to elevate her head high enough to make sure my toes don’t get tangled in the ceiling fan—she can press a button and VOILA! her head will slowly rise until she is face to face, err, face to my toes! There’s more…
If Jan decides she has had it with my snoring in the middle of the night, she can press the Anti-Snore button. Or, if Jan’s back stiffens during the night I can press a button that activates the Zero-Gravity feature on her side of the bed.
But here is the thing. This convenience is based on ‘Remote Control You Cannot Find’ technology. And, because Jan and I can personalize our sleeping preferences, we have two ‘Remote Control You Cannot Find’ devices.
Our first night sleeping in our new adjustable bed did not ‘Elevate our sleep sanctuary.’ This is what happened…
In the middle of the night, I awoke and decided to try the Zero-Gravity feature on my side of the mattress. I pressed the button and suddenly it happened: our bedroom lit up like Times Square! Immediately, Jan sat up and covered her eyes, “Gary, what’s going on?”
“Sorry Jan. I thought I’d try Zero-Gravity on my side of the mattress, but I accidentally pressed the television remote. I’ll turn the television off.” Oops! This time I pressed Jan’s remote, and her feet began to rise up close to the ceiling fan!
I feverishly pressed all the buttons on the two bed remotes and the television remote! Somehow things returned to normal: the television was off and both sides of our mattresses were in Lay-Flat position.
An hour later, I rolled over and something began to glow beneath the sheets. It was the Flashlight feature on the ‘Remote Control You Cannot Find.’ I fished around trying to find the ‘Remote Control You Cannot Find’ but suddenly I was in the Sitting Up position!
Jan awoke again. “Gary! It is 3:30 in the night. Surely you are not going to read in bed. Turn the Flashlight feature off!”
Soon, I was back to sleep, dreaming of ‘Experiencing luxury and rejuvenation.’ But at 5 a.m. I awoke and decided to finish my first night sleeping in the Anti-Snore position. Half awake I poked through the sheets searching for the ‘Remote Control You Cannot Find.’ No luck.
That morning at breakfast, after trying to sleep in our new adjustable bed like we were Cirque du Soleil acrobats, Jan made it clear. “Gary, the ‘Remote Control You Cannot Find’ devices will always be on my nightstand.”
Happy wife, happy life.
Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.